When Digital Patients Flatline: An Introduction to Incident Management CPR
Let me tell you about the time I tried explaining my job to my grandmother at Christmas dinner. “I’m like an emergency room doctor,” I said, “but for computers.” She nodded wisely before asking if I wore one of those “fancy stethoscopes” to listen for viruses. If only it were that simple, Nana.
The truth is, incident management really is remarkably similar to emergency medicine. Both involve high-stress situations, both require quick thinking under pressure, and both involve dealing with patients (or executives) who are absolutely convinced they’re dying when they’re merely experiencing heartburn (or a minor configuration issue).
Let’s explore this CPR framework from the image – Classification, Processing, and Review – and discover how to give your incident management process the kiss of life it desperately needs. Much like my houseplants after I return from holiday.
This CPR framework provides a structured approach to evaluating and improving your incident management process.
C: Classification & Discovery (Or: “What On Earth Is Happening And Why Is Everything On Fire?”) 🔍
C1: Security Event Identification – The Digital Triage
What to evaluate: How well your organization identifies security events. Do you have a clear pipeline? Are you catching the right symptoms?
Data collection method: Review detection logs, interview security analysts, and conduct blind tests. Much like when I tried to test my home security system and accidentally triggered a full police response. My neighbors still give me that look.
The ideal approach: A multi-layered detection capability that combines automated tools with human expertise. Think of it as having both the medical equipment AND the grumpy veteran doctor who can diagnose appendicitis from across the room just by looking at how someone’s standing.
C2: Event Classification – Differentiating Heart Attacks from Heartburn
What to evaluate: How accurately your team classifies events. Is that strange network traffic the digital equivalent of a paper cut or a severed artery?
Data collection method: Compare initial classifications against final determinations in post-incident reviews. Calculate your diagnostic accuracy rate. My own personal diagnostic accuracy rate for “is this milk still good?” hovers around 42%.
The ideal approach: A clear, standardized classification system that everyone understands. Not like the filing system I created last January that made perfect sense until February when I couldn’t find my tax returns and accused my cat of deliberately hiding them.
C3: Timeliness of Discovery – The Golden Hour
What to evaluate: How quickly potential incidents are identified after they occur.
Data collection method: Calculate the delta between event occurrence and detection. Then try not to weep openly when you see the results.
The ideal approach: Automated, real-time monitoring with alerts that don’t require seventeen different people to approve before anyone looks at them. Much like how I now have a smoke detector in every room after that “minor cooking experiment” that required repainting the kitchen ceiling.
C4: False Positive Management – The Hypochondriac in the Waiting Room
What to evaluate: How effectively your team manages false positives without becoming desensitized.
Data collection method: Track false positive rates and analyze their impact on response times. Like tracking how many times I’ve convinced myself that minor headache was definitely a brain tumor.
The ideal approach: Tuned detection rules and a feedback loop for continuous improvement. Not unlike how I’ve finally learned that eating an entire wheel of cheese before bed will, in fact, give me strange dreams, and is not, as previously suspected, evidence of supernatural communication.
C5: Threat Intelligence Integration – Keeping Up with Medical Journals
What to evaluate: How well your team leverages external threat data to improve detection.
Data collection method: Review threat intelligence feeds and their integration with detection systems. Assess if you’re catching threats based on the latest “medical research.”
The ideal approach: Automated ingestion of threat intelligence that enhances detection rules without requiring manual updates. Unlike my approach to keeping up with fashion trends, which involves waiting until my friends stage an intervention.
P: Processing and Response (Or: “Quick, Get The Paddles, This Server Is Coding!”) 🚑
P1: Incident Response Plan – The Emergency Procedure Manual
What to evaluate: The comprehensiveness and practicality of your response plan.
Data collection method: Review documentation, interview team members to assess understanding, and check when it was last updated. If the answer is “during the Obama administration,” you might have a problem.
The ideal approach: A living document that’s regularly tested and updated. Not like the exercise regimen I printed out in 2015 that’s now serving as an excellent coaster for my coffee mug.
P2: Response Timelines – The 4-Minute Mile of IT Security
What to evaluate: How quickly your team moves from detection to response.
Data collection method: Review incident logs and calculate average response times by severity. Then compare those times to industry standards and prepare your excuses.
The ideal approach: Clearly defined SLAs for different incident types that your team consistently meets. Unlike my personal timeline for “how quickly I’ll respond to non-urgent emails,” which can be measured in geological epochs.
P3: Containment and Mitigation – Stop the Bleeding, Stat!
What to evaluate: The effectiveness of your containment strategies.
Data collection method: Measure how quickly incidents are contained and their spread is limited. Like that time I tried to contain a small kitchen fire and ended up with a new renovation opportunity.
The ideal approach: Predefined containment playbooks for common incident types that can be executed quickly. Think of it as having a fire extinguisher in every room, unlike my approach of “I’m sure the bathroom cup of water will suffice.”
P4: Communication and Coordination – The Hospital Intercom System
What to evaluate: How effectively team members communicate during incidents.
Data collection method: Observe communication during simulations, review post-incident reports for communication breakdowns. Not unlike how I review my own dinner party performances the morning after, cringing at every conversational misstep.
The ideal approach: Clear communication channels with defined escalation paths. Unlike my family’s approach to crisis communication, which primarily involves everyone talking simultaneously while my mother texts updates to people already in the room.
P5: Resource Availability – Having Enough Blood in the Blood Bank
What to evaluate: Whether you have enough people and technology to respond effectively.
Data collection method: Track resource utilization during incidents, identify bottlenecks. Like how I finally admitted I don’t have enough storage containers after finding leftovers wrapped in increasingly creative materials.
The ideal approach: Cross-trained team members and scalable resources for major incidents. Not unlike having friends who can actually help you move furniture instead of just supervising while drinking your beer.
P6: Compliance with External Requirements – The Hospital Administrator
What to evaluate: How well you meet regulatory reporting requirements.
Data collection method: Compare incident reports against compliance requirements, check for timeliness and completeness. Like my tax returns, but with potentially larger fines.
The ideal approach: Templates and checklists for regulatory requirements integrated into your response process. Unlike my approach to government forms, which involves creative interpretation and last-minute panic.
R: Review and Analysis (Or: “What Did We Learn From This Near-Death Experience?”) 📊
R1: Post-Incident Reviews – The Medical Case Conference
What to evaluate: The quality and effectiveness of your retrospective process.
Data collection method: Review past post-mortems for actionable insights and implemented improvements. Unlike my personal post-mortems on bad dates, which mainly involve ice cream and self-recrimination.
The ideal approach: Blameless post-mortems focused on systemic improvements. Not like my family’s holiday dinner post-mortems, which are primarily an exercise in assigning blame for who overcooked the turkey.
R2: Documentation and Reporting – The Medical Chart
What to evaluate: The completeness and usefulness of your incident documentation.
Data collection method: Review incident reports for clarity, completeness, and usefulness to future responders. Much like how I review my own travel journals, which mysteriously transition from detailed accounts to “Day 4-7: Stuff happened” after the initial enthusiasm wears off.
The ideal approach: Standardized templates that capture key information without becoming bureaucratic burdens. Unlike my approach to keeping receipts, which involves stuffing them into whatever receptacle is nearest until tax season approaches.
R3: Metrics and KPIs – The Vital Signs Monitor
What to evaluate: Whether you’re measuring what matters.
Data collection method: Review current metrics against business objectives, evaluate their usefulness in driving improvements. Like how I’ve finally accepted that tracking how many biscuits I eat provides no actionable intelligence without the willpower to do something about it.
The ideal approach: A balanced set of metrics that drive behavior without creating perverse incentives. Not like my fitness app, which has primarily taught me how to game the system rather than actually exercise more.
R4: Lessons Learned Integration – Medical Research Application
What to evaluate: How effectively lessons from incidents improve your processes.
Data collection method: Track improvements identified in post-mortems and verify their implementation. Unlike my approach to New Year’s resolutions, which have a half-life shorter than certain radioactive elements.
The ideal approach: A formal process for implementing and validating improvements. Not like my method for home improvement projects, which can be summarized as “enthusiastic start, mysterious abandonment.”
R5: Risk Management Integration – Preventative Medicine
What to evaluate: How incident data feeds back into risk management.
Data collection method: Compare risk register updates against incident history, check for correlation. Like how I now properly assess the risk of telling certain stories at family gatherings after several memorable disasters.
The ideal approach: A tight feedback loop between incidents and risk assessment. Unlike my relationship with my dentist, where I consistently lie about flossing despite all evidence to the contrary.
R6: Training and Awareness – Medical School and Public Health Campaigns
What to evaluate: How well your training prepares staff for incidents.
Data collection method: Test knowledge retention, observe performance during simulations. Not unlike how I tested my own preparedness for camping by sleeping on the living room floor, only to book a hotel upon experiencing actual wilderness.
The ideal approach: Scenario-based training that simulates real conditions. Unlike the “training” I received for parenthood, which primarily consisted of being handed a baby and a look that said, “Good luck with that.”
In Conclusion: The Prognosis
A strong incident management process, like good medical care, combines well-trained people, efficient processes, and appropriate technology. And much like healthcare, it’s better to invest in prevention than to excel at emergency response – though you absolutely need both.
Remember, in both medicine and incident management, the goal isn’t perfection; it’s continuous improvement. As my grandmother wisely said after I explained the concepts in this article to her: “So you’re saying you break computers and then fix them? Why not just leave them alone in the first place?” Wisdom comes in many forms.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go update my own incident response plan for when the cat inevitably knocks my coffee onto my laptop. Again.
The Spreadsheet Therapy: Turning Chaos into Columns and Rows 📊
Let me conclude with a practical approach that I like to call “Spreadsheet Therapy” - because nothing says “I’m taking control of my life” quite like organizing chaos into neat little cells. Much like how I attempted to organize my dating history once, only to discover patterns I was happier not knowing.
The sample sheet is here: Link to sample CPR spreadsheet
The Great Google Sheet Intervention
Here’s a revolutionary idea that has saved more incident management processes than caffeine has saved Monday mornings: Create a dedicated Google Sheet for each of our CPR components. That’s right - one sheet each for those C(x), P(x), and R(x) items we’ve dissected more thoroughly than my neighbor dissects my gardening techniques.
Step 1: Document the Current Reality
First, create a column brutally titled “Current State.” This is where you’ll document the existing reality of your incident management process. Be honest here - more honest than I was when describing my DIY skills on my dating profile, which resulted in me attempting to install a ceiling fan for a woman who is now, unsurprisingly, my ex.
For example, under C3 (Timeliness of Discovery), your current state might read: “We typically discover incidents approximately three weeks after they occur, usually when a customer calls to ask why their data is for sale on the dark web.” Brutal honesty, people. It’s like taking off Spanx at the end of the day - uncomfortable but necessary.
Step 2: Dream the Impossible Dream
Next, create a column optimistically labeled “Expected State.” This is where you’ll define your target state - what good looks like if everything went according to plan. Which, in my experience, happens approximately as often as my cat voluntarily takes a bath.
For P2 (Response Timelines), your expected state might be: “Critical incidents contained within 30 minutes of detection, with executive notification within 15 minutes.” Not “whenever Dave remembers to check his email” or “after the third missed call from the CEO.”
Step 3: Mind the Gap
Now create the column that will keep you awake at night: “Gap Analysis.” This is where you compare your fantasy with your reality - a process I personally avoid in most areas of my life, but which is strangely therapeutic in incident management.
For R4 (Lessons Learned Integration), your gap might be: “Currently, lessons learned are documented but never implemented, much like my annual resolution to reduce my cheese consumption.”
Step 4: Actions That Actually Happen
Finally, create an “Action Items” column with clear owners and deadlines. Because a plan without accountability is just a wish, much like my “someday I’ll organize the garage” declaration that’s been ongoing since 2017.
For each gap, define specific, measurable actions. For example, under P4 (Communication and Coordination), your action might be: “By June 30th, Sarah will implement a dedicated Slack channel for incident communication with automated alerts, replacing our current system of panicked hallway conversations and misinterpreted hand gestures.”
Why This Actually Works
This approach works because it transforms the abstract into the concrete. It’s like how I finally started flossing regularly after my dentist showed me pictures of my gums compared to “ideal” gums. Some things you cannot unsee.
The beauty of this spreadsheet method is that it creates visibility into progress (or lack thereof). Those color-coded status updates provide the same dopamine hit as checking off items on a to-do list, which, let’s be honest, is why I sometimes add items I’ve already completed just for the satisfaction of crossing them off.
And unlike my attempts at maintaining a consistent exercise routine, with this approach, you can actually see improvement over time. Those red cells gradually turn amber, then green, providing tangible evidence that you’re not, in fact, trapped in an infinite loop of incident response failures.
I implemented this exact approach at my last organization, and we managed to reduce our average incident detection time from “embarrassingly long” to “still concerning but notably better.” We celebrated this achievement with cake, which seemed counterproductive to my personal health metrics but wonderful for team morale.
Remember, the goal isn’t perfection – it’s progress. As my grandmother wisely told me after I explained my ambitious home renovation plans: “Darling, you can’t fix everything at once. Start with the room that’s most likely to kill you, and work your way down from there.” Incident management wisdom comes in many forms, often from unexpected sources.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to update my personal gap analysis spreadsheet, where “Current State: Writing humorous articles about incident management” will hopefully soon progress to “Expected State: Writing humorous articles about incident management while properly watering my house plants.” We all have our mountains to climb.